Dealing with your isolation

 

I do not know how you´ve dealt with loneliness. The more I interacted with some people I´ve noticed they themselves created a wall of separation and when I approached to those who regret they do not have anyone who cares I see they self-sabotaged and have got rid of those who would help them, just before they got older or sick (as my own mother does).

We do not treat people well! We do not consider them the way we want to be cared.

I do not plan to live longer than 20 more years. I think I´ve reached up to the point I would have climbed all the mountains I saw with desires and, if it was my sole decision –after I have enjoyed a good day today– I would ask God “bring me home tonight” … But anything I planned, belongs to Him to be done; anything I desired was all known, beforehand.

I do not if your prayers are heard (I´m not sure mine are also listened) but it´s my desire you´re happy and that you learn how to love those who still love you.

Two days ago I planned to visit my friends of old days. I wasn´t sure I will find any of them this Sunday morning, since people have their own business, personal plans and social agendas to keep up… However, I met a couple of them and, after enjoying myself for an hour, I apologized for having interrupted their Sunday or their plans (if any) and, to my surprise, one of those cherished friends asked me to stay longer when I prepared to leave his house. So, invited to stay a little more, I lost sight of the time, and asked him to help me contact all those I´ve left or missed, as we met.

FB wouldn´t be the platform I would use to be reached! It has too many names repeated and it doesn´t seem to have a good filtering system to sift the huge amount of data it quickly offers to find out those names or profiles you probably like to see again.  I wish I could pick the names I know, the places they lived, the schools they attended to, in order to be sure the amount of data FB offered was the right person I know or knew… It´s boring I checked names and pictures of individuals I do not want to know (as I did with those I searched for).

I wanted to send (or receive) the “invite” at once, but the internet of my friend wasn´t working well (neither his computer). I travelled a couple of hours without the PC tools I currently use to sort PC problems out, so I have to endure the training of being patient for one or two days more (I don´t use mobile phones neither laptops).

It´s me who chose to be a secular hermit!

Suddenly, to my joyous amazement, that old friend talk about those we met, those who spoke well of those deeds we think we forgotten or inadvertent. Those tiny things, in the span of life, became a sort of a gift or an assortment of tiny achievement nobody planned and they were set high as a good memory some of those friends regularly visited in their minds with affection: What you do today could be any size you never planned.

While my friend mentioned things I have forgotten, I wish I were in front of those who kept those good memories of old friends since they have nurtured their minds logs and pieces of juvenile humble thankfulness.

For a minute, part of me regretted I chose to be disconnected as I wasn´t a piece of a concealed groove, as an item of a big puzzle I´ve been far off, but I settled down… Yet each connected to the things/persons they needed to cling to while they walk around this road we can call living-life: For one reason or another, each went away their own way not thinking we always would have met…

An hour later, I paid a visit to some relatives I seldom meet. While I talk to one of those teenagers I felt embraced by the things I once was and did, and I cannot express with easy written words the emotions and feelings I experimented giving an attentive ear to the deep things she shared: That was the type of talk each child deserve it was taken with their Dad or Mom, just before certain teenagers got in troubles or felt greatly depressed in a type of emptiness or emotional abandonment, those days they toiled to grow up and to find themselves as adults.

If you really feel alone, if you spared some friends, try to reach out (once in a while or every blue moon) and tell them you cared for them, rebuild anything that was undone and try to cope with those you once liked, those once you enjoyed and keep on learning and teach what you got to share.

I´m aware some things cannot be repeated. Some things cannot be rolled back, but I´m sure there are two or three people who had a good impression on you, as you had good influences inside others. We don´t clearly know why, sometimes, we delayed saying suitable things any moment, when they were needed (or asked) yesterday but, acknowledging I´m not eternal, that my life could pass away (any moment) before I see another day, I decided to tell my friends –some of them– “Thanks for anything I have shared close to you those days we keep good memories” (or excuse me if I did wrong) [in my mind, I´m aware of one single person I tried to meet today, that I couldn´t see to apologize].

Before I left the house of the first friend I´ve planned to visit, he gave me such a bear hug, I told him –next to his wife– that I received it and appreciated as it was worth all the X-mass hugs I had missed for decades: We all have been blessed with several types of friends we –sometimes– have taken undeservedly, as it wasn´t a privilege that has been temporarily granted.

As a rule of thumb, the streets would not provide the type of strong relationship any person would desire, but it serve as a training atmosphere to detect shortcomings and build new things. It´s rare (and very odd) bystanders would give you an emotional warm-up normal people surely desired each day, but it worth a lot you get the time to catch buddies you would enjoy –for a long time– day after day.

I´d be a liar if I said I didn´t wat to stop the time at my close relative ´s. I really want to enjoy myself at helping the young girl who needs to talk, who needs to be heard while she listens to her own heart speaking. Sometimes, as parents, we forget our kids needs to verbalize thoughts they haven´t voiced as expressible words. They, sometimes, need a particular time to visit a psychologist, a therapist, because we do not help them to express utterable ideas they know, but haven´t found a way to convey in a verbal thought.

What a blessing I had with “Sam”!

I had the chance to see how she writes these days, and how she wrote before she achieved poise & self-knowledge: She wasn´t totally aware why she used to write with a minute type of a timid spelling and, within that time of her open soul-searching, she realized how quickly she gathered personal information she had ignored.

How come we became to be selfish?

We went wrong.

How come we have gone emotionally dependent?

We have lost sight of the road we need.

How come we “soon” forgot those things we once had learned when we were teenagers?

It was a long flash back I needed to joy myself... Yet, nobody knows we grow cold or isolated. We people are different and vulnerable as if we were sit in front of a chess table watching the odd movements we gave before a fatal check mate. Perhaps, we fear too much a new commencement, to start anew.  

No one is really young to see the Little Prince we once met when we were teenagers, but that little friend is alive when we want to know the secret things our eyes were prone to ignore and bypass. Have you lost sight of the person you were? Don´t you believe we came down here to be healed, to learn and to help other people to be less self-centered and narcissist?

What I see around is not the type of situations I wish I had under control. I cannot manipulate the environment neither the people approaching me, but I´m somewhat sure I can be self-controlled, watching me where I want to go at ease and safely.

Ok! I did wrong and I missed too many chances. I still learn from those errors with shortcomings; but this is not the only way my soul will exist inside out. Am I the only one sinking on a boat?

You might see an empty public square getting crowded. Although you might see couples came along to be together, some came to escape the company of those they probably reject or hurt. While these loners undergo a break, some others tried to make their life anew. The thing is avoiding to be stuck in any stage or process we face.

They say their life is hopeless, but I´ve seen how some people managed to get what they hoped. They say “nobody cared”, but I have the hunch we lied, when it is us we have stopped to take care (and such attentions involved cherishing someone else and taking care of oneselfves).

Each time I said “nobody loved me” I hid the names of those I hurt or disdained. Whenever I said anything like that, I concealed my falling short, my laziness, to quickly sit on the throne of the comfort zone... And I can bet a dollar I am not the only one doing so.

Let’s settle down the issue of loneliness:

Do I want “me” to toil to achieve anybody´s (emotional, sexual & economic) expectations?

Do I want “me” to be concerned for anybody´s dreams or needs?

If not, why do I want “them” to care just for me, instead?

Dependability and accountability are two things business departments seek to give you a vacant position…  I would not sleep with the woman I dreamed If she knew I´m unwilling to pay her bills or that I would not feed her kids… Although not all women expect you paid their bills, some of them are like any functioning employer:

Give and you´ll be given! (Deut 15:10; Prov 3:9-10; Luk 6:38)

We´re probably loners because we formerly were driven for the effortless self, not thinking to give others what they probably shared: Time and money are not the only things people seek or gave.

Several years back I found a mobile phone... Inside it I read an SMS where a pleased daughter thanked her dad, for the money he lent her to buy an apartment. What´s your opinion? Do you think a successful businessman, a butcher, will ask any money back? As a father, was he thinking she grew alone, as the woman she wanted to be, with the hope she became accountable and economically trustworthy?

Yesterday, my cousin “Sammy” –a teen of 15– confessed me she had realized she had become a compulsive buyer of futile things she already had at home... Great! Now she´s aware & deals with those controllable emotions! Of course, if she was rich buying inane lipsticks, she wouldn´t have noticed the root of that foolish Diogenes syndrome. But, now she knows what she wanted at buying, she could be cured from such irresponsible behavior.

Sometimes, when we felt alone, we bought things to feel we were joined or belonged…

What is it she missed she bought unnecessary things? (She knows).

What are the wrong things we did to remain in an undesired procrastinated condition?

As normal persons, we probably aren´t the style or type others have dreamed of. However, we do too little to advance, and we all expect they change…

The older you get the less easy you´ll find out what you thought you “deserved”. loneliness is an ugly ghost we have to face and beat, wanted or not. It´s not all of them are loveless or cruel, it´s each person looks after what they think they have liked… For instance, Yesterday I saw an old woman living alone, with no kids at all. When she was younger, I don´t know the reasons she might desire to remain as she is, but, as far as I remember, she wasn´t ugly, and she probably knows she was too picky or fussy. Who knows his own faults?

I felt somewhat sad: She´s losing her listening capabilities and her next neighbor told me she was visited up to 6 months ago… Who knows what she´s done or what her relatives expect from such unconcerned distance?

If I was rich, perhaps, no one knows, I´ll be surrounded by those who want to be my heirs… What about you? Did you loved to be kept in good memories? How many times we were kind and loving towards those who were supposed to be loved and dear?

Love can be warm and it could be improved. Certain things cannot be undone –like aging– but you could give others things you have gained (I´m talking about knowledge).

I do not know when I could visit those I paid a visit yesterday. I do not know if I could give anything back (or forward) but, if I am allowed, if I do my best to draw near, I won´t be totally alone. Besides, I like the way they are and, as I said to “Sammy”, she´s somewhat like I like to be. And this little introspective girl could be helped to be a blessing for all God would permit she gets close.

The Little Prince of Antoine de Saint-Exupéry gave us a loving lesson… The moment he was talking to the “rich” man who counted stars, he said anything like this: “I am useful to those I think I belong.”

They aren´t really mine as I wish they were. We don´t really belong to one another but, as much as I care, such “possession”, will be devoted to serve them (not to be served).

Sometimes, seriously, we planned anyone pertained to us. We wanted to count persons as we boasted of some stuff –but the Little Prince – showed us the man seeking and counting stars was not beneficial or serviceable for them… Analogous things we see on the man who sat on a throne! (Chapter X). That solitary man, who thought he was a King, always wanted to rule, to give instructions anyone he perceived as his subject…

Aren´t we that type of grumpy, fussy or “authoritative” persons?

Whatever the concealed things that made me to be the one I am, if I don´t really want to end up with the guilt of the man who drank too much (Chapter XII) or if I dislike the idea I die whining –irresponsibly– “in an ugly planet full of baobabs”, I had better I planned to care for me and others.

What would be the final cost?

Is it expensive I cared for you and me?

Yet, if this was my last move, if I had to die just today, I´d like to be there very late, since I´m also aware this has been one of those days I do want to repeat day after day.

Twenties to Sixties

 

At my twenties I often thought I was too busy to give pleasure to the torrent of desires my blood released. I´d lie I said I had no time to please other things than those items my mind was aware of, somewhere clear of some drifts, probably missing each aimed move.

I will not tell I wasn´t conscious of the hormonal thrust and its push to be noticed, to be picked, to be loved... But, any time, I had made the inappropriate decision of marrying one I didn´t like more (for the one she was).

Ok! Marriage seemed to be “fine”, but it wasn´t what I had dreamed for me.

Deep inside, the visceral stab was saying I wasn’t unwilling to miss a single day of joy (or sex).

However, daydreaming and wanting more, was an irrational pull I perceived still molesting me, and those reminiscences and desires, liked or not, were somewhat overly self-centered, narcissist, often nesting and tagged along with that visceral quench… As if I was always bound to having said “the world is mine”.

What an idealistic and foolish delusion!

            After that unwise marriage –by the thirties– that blood flow found (and fought) new things in the search for finding myself (I grew slowly).

No doubt sex had found its legal way, its bed, to experiment a bit and a little; although she wasn´t the type of woman I emotionally or sexually desired. In fact, I also fell short as no one would ever imagine.

What is it wanted?

What were my dreams made of, viscerally?

Money never was enough.

It was an unsatisfactory life, underfed with insufficient pleasures. Let´s say I loved my family, but, at certain point, I noticed that my small number of kids didn´t loved me, as I thought would that dreamed children. So, feeling and being alone with the misbehaving of them (their mother was a stumbling block) I fled that boo-boo and escaped from the syndrome of the empty nest.

Kids weren’t “articles” I expect at all… I loved my firstborn, I disliked the second… But those three were a gift, up to the point I preferred to leave them alone (since I also was alone with them).

I cannot tell how my counterparts felt regarding me. I never asked I never wanted to know or learn, and It´s probable I fell too short and ––apart from her–– who really knows that my ex-wife wanted? Will I repeat the same mistake creating problems?

We all were different!

We thought we were alike, but we lied to one another to be joined, to come together.

Whatever thing it was, I often told her a bad impression and, once I realized I couldn’t change what I deeply disliked, I run & hid from the ghost of feeling alone being with her: Sometimes there are things you cannot change, except the place you are.

A family should be built under the consensus of those TWO who previously agreed to hug in love… But I dislike some faults I permitted, more than once, in that roof.

I had to run! (This is not an apologize, not a remorse; but an inscription to be engraved)

Those days –apparently– were unbearable.

But we separated –from one another– in a hurting way that some of the kids reproach, as if I was the only guilty part of the breakup.

Twenty years –of that runaway– have passed with few winds, without any bit of magnificence…

Suddenly, in a slow track given the blow of two decades, I saw myself I was in the same place I thought I had run and escaped.

Although I swaggered inside (and wrongly considered myself as being handsome or healthy) they were older than me, they were too big or fat, they became disgustingly old, slow and sick.

How come I didn´t notice I could be measured the same way? How come I thought I could escape from being the same?

In my sight –these days– some foolishly think they could compete against youth with their tired asses and vainly boasting with their cold breasts.

In their minds there´s a thought, as if “they´re the same”, thinking their high-heeled shoes and lipsticks will work as much as they did when they were nice-looking or sexually active.

We humans are a type of duping suckers.

However, some think –or shrank back– to lately disregard there are thousands of youth with much better tailored conditions than all of us.

You do what you do! (That can´t be denied)

But you´d die with everything you´ve liked, anything you knew or thought you´d keep.

Meanwhile I perish, as I´ve realized I got disagreeable, nullified to be uncaring, meagre or too old, most of them who rejected ––me or you–– have lost the sexual attractive I would walk a square to get her attention and company.

The things they presently do or like, aren’t those I still seek and practice. Their belief system doesn´t match my life style and I became underprivileged, while they probably got rich.

As I see, I don´t identify the pushing reasons beauty needs to be tattooed.  If they were naturally gifted, I don´t see why they needed more and more.

As far as I go away to hide, getting detached of me, “running” as fast as I get old, I don´t want to turn back to see fake eyelashes blinking an eye on me.

When they get old –or feel rejected like I do– they´ll find out the heavy burden gained in the way they do…

We say we loved. But we lied others at a brief reaching out of anything that served us to feel we were beloved, or that had loved ourselves –self-interestedly and narcissistically– by using anyone and anything we were offered to keep or nurture.

The more I see an individual gets old, the more I see some got aware loneliness is a simple part of the repudiated Hell we all said it doesn´t exist, but belatedly cursed and feared.

If loneliness is the portion of Hell deserved to those who hurt or despised, we´d better to be ready to be isolated there to experience the harm we keenly caused egotistically.

At youth, probably few feel affections for the aching and the aging. Few like to love the worry of responsibilities, and it belongs to us to take care of our own passing life.