Some of us feel or are lonely, but...

Isa 53:8 He was taken from prison and from judgment: and who shall declare his generation? for HE was cut off out of the land of the living: for the transgression of my people was he stricken.

This seems to apply for Jesus, and hurts my eyes.

I remember Nicolas, a man whom I met in those streets, who felt alone and left that house it was not his home. I remember his tears, and how he cried and hugged Elizabeth, telling us his sad story. Who knows Jesus´? Who wrote about His deepest feelings, except about His remarkable deeds and teachings?

I´m glad that “Lazarus” can´t see down here (Luk 16:23). I´m glad they´re ceased and passed away, because it is said: Lukes 16:25 "Abraham replied, 'Remember, my child, that you had a life filled with good times, while Lazarus' life was filled with misery. Now he has peace here, while you suffer.

I´m happy with my share, I have lived and I haven´t lost hopes on somethings God and Jesus know. I had children. Joshua was (or is) the one I missed more, but he deserves his life and his living, and I plan to be here to help him walk, as long as I can and, the same applies for Joy, Elisha and Alexangerla (the one I enjoy now).

One of my brother is childless and, sometimes He shows his affection to them in the streets that I told him the story of a friend, whose uncle had legal problems in Washington, just by being accused like a child molester (Venezuelan culture is open to show some affection Saxon avoid).

Some people feel they are alone even in the company of those they don´t see that missed love. They don´t know how to manage or be cherished, because you are too far, unreachable, an a picture or a phone call cannot do what a hug deserves, a touching of arms heal, and a frank and direct eye talk can say to your lonely soul: I know it because I have lived it.

Our soul, our mind, lies, sometimes. The person who loves is just there and the waving of a tail, the welcome of a dog or a cat is not that thing you need, not the phone call of a distant children nor the text message received saying: “I love you”.

Who knows how God feels?

Who knows how Jesus felt?

Could He feel the warmest hug of a woman?

Could He enjoy the love of that “sinner” who poured perfume over His head (and body) using her hair to wipe her fault out?

That was pure love.

I had no other way to see it to think it.

Last week I went for shopping.

On my way I thought I´ve seen someone I really loved. It was a crowed boulevard and I thought I wasn´t daydreaming.

I let my feelings go. I allowed my eyes to see what I wasn´t seeing.

I stopped to look at her eyes. I wanted to know she was as happy as I was, meeting her without a date.

I asked: Do you want me to hug you or say just “Hello”?

I stared at my mind.

I knew it is love, but it´s not.

There were more people than I thought I could see.

I kept on walking and each time I was to cross a corner, the traffic light was red... Three times! (So I knew there was a lesson to stop)

I am not alone.

I´m plenty of love to give (but it´s not my time)

and I´m happy the life I lived.

P.S.

Just listen to the song “FEEL” of Robbie Williams.

Come And Hold My Hand.
I Want To Contact The Living.
Not Sure I Understand
This Role I´ve Been Given.

I Sit And Talk To God
And He Just Laughs At My Plans.
My Head Speaks A Language
I Don´t Understand.

I Just Want To Feel Real Love,
Feel The Home That I Live In.
´cos I Got Too Much Life
Running Through My Veins,
Going To Waste.

I Don´t Want To Die,
But I Ain´t Keen On Living Either.
Before I Fall In Love
I´m Preparing To Leave Her.

I Scare Myself To Death,
That´s Why I Keep On Running.
Before I´ve Arrived
I Can See Myself Coming.

I Just Want To Feel Real Love,
Feel The Home That I Live In.
´cos I Got Too Much Life
Running Through My Veins,
Going To Waste.
And I Need To Feel Real Love,
And A Life Ever After,
I Cannot Give It Up.

I Just Want To Feel Real Love,
Feel The Home That I Live In.
I Got Too Much Love
Running Through My Veins,
To Go To Waste.

I Just Want To Feel Real Love,
In A Life Ever After.
There´s A Hole In My Soul.
You Can See It In My Face,
It´s A Real Big Place.

Come And Hold My Hand.
I Want To Contact The Living.
Not Sure I Understand
This Role I´ve Been Given.
Not Sure I Understand.
Not Sure I Understand.
Not Sure I Understand.
Not Sure I Understand

Two things I dislike

When I once was younger and I didn´t know well. Adults used to say “old times” were better and often I laughed at their saying. How could that be? How could I know, if I was a spring chick?

Now I´m grown old. I see their time and mine. I have some means to see their past, their streets, their pictures, their memories, and I can tell those things you are going to miss when growing too old, too weak or strong to give credit those things that are beautiful in life.

In the Bible -too- you can see people crying (and missing) old times. I liked that part when their temple was re-built and many old people cried and shed their tears.

Jesus told many things will be torn (Mar_13:1-2 Jesus said to him, "Do you see these large buildings? Not one of these stones will be left on top of another. Each one will be torn down."), but memories are a good stronghold you can keep to build and help other persons.

I was raised in a culture I thought I like. When you convert to God, and His Son Jesus, you will know how wrong some things are. Do you know that conversion calls you to be somewhat Jewish?

I don´t know if you have checked how that process is, but I have seen how some people here are turning to Santeria, to Satanism, since many -like me- abandoned Catholicism to follow Jesus the way the Bible says (step by step) just by leaving their culture and its local biased traditions.

For instances, Patriotism is a sort of cult, a state religion, each local country has taught you and me, to die (while others are sit giving you orders)... Was it Jesus´ teaching? That was a Jewish teaching, instead.

If we want, we are to die for those loved ones, not belonging to a physical country or its state religion. On the contrary, traditions have taught us what served them to keep on ruling our ideas...

The Roman “Holy” Empire once visibly existed in Europe... It laid some teachings that are alive (and kicking). It made its syncretism of ideas to get you (and me) to do what they wanted (and still wants).

Few minutes ago, my mother started fighting with me to go out to buy things she likes for her X-mas (She´s finally gone!). He! He!

I can´t get the point about X-mas: Saturnalia feast enjoyed, under another name?

Is it for teaching about Christ?

Is it to enjoy just few days, like carnivals?

My mother is like grumpy. She is stubborn, rarely compassionate outside her heart, and rarely admits this as a fault; because each day she grumbles about almost anything (making me feel I don´t like her anymore, although she was the person I think I deeply loved, when a child).

I cannot believe a thing when this is taught with a lie.

I remember when I found several boxes my dad tried to hide under the bed, one of those days I cherished and enjoyed the lying. I didn´t have the time to speak sharing thoughts about this. He is gone and not dead (I hope).

X-mas is not my season.

I don´t like carnival either, so I had better to hide on those days they do their things the way I did... (Just see it in Peru: “As of 2010, it has become so violent that the government has imposed heavy penalties of up to eight years in prison ”

My life style calendar has to be changed, one of these days.

I´ll be grumpy for being in a place I don´t want to be in...

Hospitals

Today I had to visit one hospital for some tests on my heart.
I'm the type of person who seldom goes there, but I had
to check how it functions to see I'd resists the
medical treatment to kill the leishmania.

I saw people's faces,
concerned and feeling pains.
Their fears in sorrow,
their blood, their veins.

I felt how some may feel
the way they looked constrained.
There's blood, pissed up...
And all of these are vain?

Some are grieved
some are hurt
I saw their faces
I saw their pain.

Besides -within these-
there's a malign campaign:
Now, I opened the eyes.
We don't want to be there,

Money is sought,
Tears are shared.
And with a hug
someone's there.

My heart is broken
I've found no tear.
No place to run
I have some fears.

My heart is faulty.
I thought it strong.
Don't want to live it.
I wish I'm gone.

Don't know to sort it.
I wish my home.
This fear I let off.
I ain't buy hopes gone.

I'm not yet dying,
It's slow to go.
I wish I'm gone
This fear is on.

They're badly sad.
I saw that face.
They want their home.
As human race.

Some cried aloud,
Just few smiled.
I saw their blood,
their pain around.


I wish I'd receive my treatment now.
I don't want to spend any more day.


Money is sought,
All hopes're spent;
while many mourn,
I'm home again.

Legs or faces are broken.

Restless nights with longer days...

I'm really glad
That's not my case.

To tell what hurts and frustrates

I'd like to re-share with any reader what I learned of facebook (and other sites) that the usage of "LIKE" is RISKY or could mislead any to some sort of frustration (let me tell you why):

Last year, before September 2012, I was used to reading the writings of certain woman. I was aware of a personal problem she was RECURRENTLY mentioning (so I tried to help) and I did it. I spent a WHOLE year reading her stuff. I liked how she wrote, I wondered how she was (never saw a picture of her) but a kind of a virtual relationship was developing between us (Wow! When I give I give).

She was in Colombia and I was here, in Venezuela. She asked me for FB, so I gave her my account (which I use for political reasons) and there I saw her pictures (What pictures I've seen!)

If I liked her writings solely, her pictures drove me crazy! (This tip is given to virtual friends I have).

Christian woman (and men) had better to know and be aware of that foolish men (like me) fall in love for their eyes (That is FRUSTRATING) Ha! Ha!

Women also like what they see. But this ex-friend started to click "LIKE" on all those pictures I had there (so she became so noticed by I real friend who poked on me to say: "Wow! That woman really likes you!" (He didn't know how much I liked her, by that time).

That friendship became REAL.

She came back to Venezuela. We agreed with a personal meeting (it became a factual date) Not a BLIND date! Ha! Ha! and soon after I gave myself permission to love her the way I was feeling (she gave me some "rights", after few time, with a sweet kiss that was repeated with additional dates) and soon after, I had to remove my feelings because she acted like someone I would call a cheater (enough to tell what hurts and frustrates me)

What is friendship meant for?

There are many ideas in you and me. Research has been done and published on this important issue. Read it somewhere, but I have more ideas than these:

Why do I want to be your friend, to feel I belong or to give what I own?

I have many flashbacks now. I see how I was and how I am. Is friendship a kind of love or a personal convenience?

Do I like you or I want to be liked by you?

If I want to be liked, why do I need to be liked (or loved)?

Is it a selfish reason or I honestly want to give and share all I have (or could have had)?

A child is as he is. Social and parental interaction changes part of him (or her).

Once you teach him/her to be selfish, she is what you teach or what he/she has been designed by human DNA.

Society has modeled our life style with parents, customs, friends and our deepest personal needs. We were those we were; but we changed, we've made choices (and some went wrong).

We easily talked to unknown people at the streets, now it is seldom done: We knew fears and people are afraid.

I enjoy talking to SOME people. Some are easy going, but some of them have been hurt like me: Avoiding people is self protective (or overprotective).

Friendship is a feeling or a convenience?... You have made your choices.

I used to be a boy who often looked down on people. There were racial and social reasons connected to money. I would have hated me for being so discriminative (Believe me! It was awful).

I felt hurt and hid myself in me, at home. I lost sight of those I considered were my friends and knew how few people I liked honestly for their being the persons they were.

At school I was liked for being somewhat smart or “handsome” Ha! Ha! (They were wronged) but I looked down on some of those who liked me; because I thought they didn't deserve me (I wanted a more special person I've never found).

I tried to befriend those who had anything I wanted. It could have been a material thing or sex, and vaguely it was for real reasons, as likeness, similar like or activities.

At high school friendship was for seeking fun or sex (which was the same) but that “pure” condition was only changed after I finished those 3 first years. When I started my life as an “adult”, friendship was around basically sex, because I liked girls for fun.

Deepest relationships were developed by time; but now I'm so superficial that frightens me how I was changed and, the reason is that I only need one person, no more, because no one belongs to another, no even in marriage (and I know what I'm talking about).

Do we have similar likes, could I be your friend?

What for?

Are you (or I) being selfish or self-centered when seeking friendship?

Do I have what you need?

Do I want to give or take?

Are you given attention, or it is you who want to be heard to receive?

Love and friendship are to be given. These are not to be begged or sought.

Fight your fears! What would you loose if left?

I thank GOD for being the person He is: He is the more loving being any human could be missing while being selfish and self-centered.

How does my today's prayer was answered.

I'd like to testify, although God needs nothing from me...

Recently I got Leishmaniasis. Some vector, like any mosquito, bit me recently and, by the moment I went to the doctors, two of them just gave me antibiotics, and that was not the way to fight against this in my leg.

I haven't received the specific treatment yet. Some preliminary tests have been done and the suspected illness has been confirmed: Leishmaniasis in left leg.

Last night I was worried (upset, in fact). I didn't know where to go, I didn't know what to do, so I wrote my short prayer in my mind and left a little part of my concern on God's good will...

In the morning I wanted to run to find a quick answer. I could have gone to a well known hospital in the downtown, but I stayed near my PC and started to work on some things I had pending.

I did wrong (now I know it) but I was worried not knowing what to do. Have you been like that?

I briefly asked God some direction on where to go and what to do, while I was walking.

Loudly I prayed before crossing the first avenue on the unknown way where I started to walk. I had no idea where my steps would lead me, but I could not be stopped doing it. Then I asked God for His help and, when meeting motorcyclist driving, I asked Him to be protected from those drivers I hate for some reason I won't mention here...

I went to one emergency hospital. Then I walked to another near the first one... Soon I went to another on the same direction and founded out none would be of great help.

When I turned back to my mother's house, I stopped to check if any of these firsts could serve me to have some blood tests. The first hospital I have visited was the only of those medical centers enabled to help me. There I received some hope and, I knew if I had enough money in my pocket, I could pay for many of those tests (but they were 17 blood tests).

To be assured I was doing the best thing I went and passed by some private clinics, just to see prices and how these things could be done... There were too many people. I hate long lines, so I left.

Two days before, I received some directions I considered coming from God (I use to keep some tracks of certain CIRCUNSTANCES).

I wasn't in the mood of asking my family to help me. My mother, my suster and brothers know I'm in need of help and, in fact, I seldom asked them for it. I rather like asking God for HIS. He will never give you a thing to remind you He was the giver.

I walked several more blocks to save time. The motor vehicle traffic in Ccs is awful these days, so I wasn't in the mood of paying to be largely sit inside a car -doing nothing- while it is stopped (or packed) in the middle of any street or avenue.

I remembered my sister mentioned a hospital. She named it by name, and I had a phone text message telling me she could have someone working inside.

My sister is a very busy woman, so I walked alone to sort these things out... (but I wasn't alone).

There I asked and did the right things and, getting the exact information, I knew what I could do to get my blood texts taken for free at the same day (which worths more that anything I could pay later).

I saw a doctor and asked him what to do. I told him I am sick and needed some blood tests... He was kind and was walking with a nice looking woman, and he was willing to help (Thank you, Lord! You put both of them to help me on this way, as well as others).

I got the necessary papers and additional information. Otherwise, I was limited to wait for more than 3 days.

In the emergency room I met some female doctors and told them my case, just to receive their directions. Someone I don't know heard me, and asked her boss a permission. She wrote down my list of blood tests on a piece of paper for that hospital. You know how any emergency room could be crowded, but God brought some peace there so I would be effectively heard.

Four hours later I got personally those tests (which are within the normal rate) so I had to thank God again and those two doctors who paid some useful attention to my request (Her names be blessed too, God!).

I'm not used to pray long minutes or hours. I don't think it wise to look after God at my personal convenience, but now I needed HIM and someone else (those working inside the emergency room).

God saw who I am and how I feel when I had to go back to that hospital I used to go in my childhood to be healed from respiratory diseases I had (asthma).

He sees any who calls on HIS name, particularly, with a sincere heart (not for selfish conveniences).

These sores remind me my grandma, my dad and Lazarus' life. Can you imagine him bleeding, being licked by dogs or having flies all around? That's not my case! But I imagine a tired man, a person who has given up.

I have thought on the kind of friends Lazarus could possibly have had: Only dogs.

No real friends around, no job to depend on or reasons to rejoice.

Those sores were unfriendly and an ugly thing he had to face.

How many friends do you have when sick, poor and not healing?

Do they love you in a worst state?

I have seen some hermits! But those persons badly sick don't even dare to open their eyes to breathe.

According to my view, the sick feel worst than us who are healthy.

Circumstances may be knocking at your door to talk and to teach you something you have missed. It doesn't matter how rich or poor you are at any moment, God is preparing you to be in a better place.

I myself am learning to depend on Him on a daily base. I'm jobless, not retired, since 2000. When you get your money on a regular payment you trust that income to live at ease, if you don't spend too much.

Money gives you some kind of confidence you'd better leave: Trust no one, except God.

I wish I could hear His personal voice (This is one of those prayers I keep on repeating). There were times when I prayed often, on a regular Christian base, but I felt disappointing talking alone, so now I write and my words remain.

I testify He is alive, He gives you some answers, but I wish He be seen or heard.

He has helped me to live for more than 13 years. I work whenever He gives me the chance to work for anyone, everywhere. I'm thankful because I'm not enslaved with a job where I had to tie a necktie to my borrowed time. I'm jobless but enabled to serve, to help and teach others whenever it is required. So these circumstances are talking instead of some of my foolish wishes.

Money makes someone to be proud, but pride is not a good friend to be hold when you are weakly bossy or life has made you to be showy.

Money may speed up some earthly things, but real and spiritual ones cannot be bought or completely gotten. It is a tool I have to leave to be set free from its slavery: I can buy a medicine, but seldom health.

Would God Expect Women To Work Like A Male ?

Well, I am puzzled too.

I played the role of a mother, some time ago (my Joshua is 19 years now and Elisha 17). I wanted to give Josh my best. I never played with "dolls", so that time gave me the chance to learn from my own 1st baby (Elisha wasn´t planned, so I was screwed up in raising two kids).

Time passed by and I know HOW I failed. My ex-wife was a GOOD help. She made more money than me, but money NEVER reached "our" expectations, and diapers and ALL that stuff wasn´t cheap (as you now know).

For me, as a father (and half mother) Ha! Ha! I knew how to hug them the way you like (and I never liked having had one brother at the place I knew as "home" and my mother gave us more brothers and a LOVING STRONG sister).

As a family, man and woman have to settle down what ECONOMY the would LIKE to live and what THEY WOULD LIKE TO ENJOY (make it in a written paper, to avoid forgetting that contract of the economy of their marriage).

The moment I asked my ex-wife to take care of the babies, that followed my resignation from the job I was getting part of the money my children needed (my ex-wife was -and IS- good to make money).

After some experiences and learning from other people, you´d have your own opinion (and defending position) on that.

Time WILL TELL YOU MISSED important time while you were working in a PC or in a office to make your children look better, to be dressed up and look fine to "your" eyes (because secretly you didn´t want to be LOOKED DOWN). Time will tell you MANY things you´d like to ignore closing your eyes. Of course! Some children may say: "You don´t love me" or "YOU DIDN´T LOVE ME" (My daughter JOY told me that, because her mom pushed her to think that receiving MONEY IS receiving LOVE; but I know how I love and LOVED her (and all).

Inside the room, YOUR HOME, there is a lot of WORK you won´t never be paid (you don´t need to, by the way). Those days you looked after your child watching all those nights to control the fever, his/her coughing (etc) (etc) won´t be paid. Firstly, THEY CAME HERE because you "called" them to be with you (no child has come without a sexual invitation) (only those you have adopted). 2ndly, that job won´t be paid because it is the best job GOD HAS GIVEN A MAN AND HIS WOMAN (Thank YOU, Lord, for that blessing I enjoyed). 3erly, IT WAS THE ONLY WAY I have to know more deeply my father´s feelings, my GRANDMOTHER´S TOILS, how I was raised and, the last, I KNEW MORE ABOUT GOD WHEN BEING ME, as father (not the best, not the worst) and as temporal "mother".

I hope these ideas served any of you, repaying unpaid labors to you who love (and loved) their children and those days that are to pass by.

PS

That was published on 11/2013! Now, not being misogynistic (but as another disappointed of humanity) I´d like to update this account with "evidence" you could find online, these dark days.

Yet, on few days back, I over heard a judge's disappointment (his wife cheated on him) and he knew it, when those he thought were their sons, resulted to be only hers. 

He worked and raised a "family" which belonged to other men (not his DNA).

Words to a heartbroken person...

Stories of broken hearted people is ENDLESS, everywhere on earth (and also in Heaven, where I guess someone misses human love).

That pain of being left is selfish, parly. I know it since I grow and grew with it.

When we hurted people, when we left them alone -contrary to their loving will- they suffered that pain and, often, we were not completely conscious of the broken heart we left and the wrong things we did.

When we were left by them, we were aware of the pain, we knew how it hits, and this time we know how it hurts (the lesson serves to avoid hurting or being hurt).

 My life have both extremes and recently, I fell in love with one woman I adjusted to match (the whole thing is long and wrong, and I won´t repeat on telling those blogs I have posted) and that ended on Sept. 2012.

I know I had it a pure feeling, honest love. I could have it in the sensual sense or as a sexual relationship, but I stopped it before it was too late, because I was deeply involved with her.

The thing here, as a broken hearted man, when you knew you got the wrong person, we have to accept their refusal, their leaving away, their choice for another person... All are free to do it, to choose for another (if not married, because it is a long-termed commitment).

This year, by the way, I met with someone I have loved for more than 20 years. Innerly, as a secret, I planned that one day I could meet her to marry her (the way I thought I knew her) but, after some hours of re-encounter with a group of people, I found out I was wrong, she was not the one I thought she was and not the one I thought she would be when being Christian, so I´m glad I know I was wronged by my ideas and not others.

Do you like to find yourself being cheated or do you like to find out you have loved an adulterer?

I´m glad he left you! No matter how painfully it is today, little girl.

I have liked many songs of JOURNEY. Steve Perry seemed to have lived some of his songs but, as I have seen, "love" is an idealization, a dream seldom found.

Hope you find him!

Emotional Loneliness. Is this an issue today?

I don´t think it as an option, you can change it or endure that... 

For example, I recently got a cat and I couldn´t keep it for three reasons, as I saw these: 

1) Her feeding was out of "my budget" or daily income (if I call it that way). 

2) The job I irregularly do takes me out home too often, and 

3) She was too demanding, I´m used to my passsed by dog... (But I loved the way she was). 

These same things apply for people, as well as other reasons for their being alone or emotionally isolated (I know some people cannot walk, cannot see... and more). 

I just let these things for you to consider some reasons that could be keeping you in a situation that leads you (or someone) to how you feel (or them), the way you are (or them) and no matter there is a family (since I have 3 children). 

I live alone, in a mountain, with no relationship with my neighbors (because I don´t like the way they are, for example) and many dislike to look at people eyes or their needs. You can live in an apartment and, each time you get into an elevator, you avoid looking at people´s eyes and, if they say "hello", you are mute or suddenly deaf. 

Prayers do heal people, but my actitude spoils it -as well as yours- and those may be hindered to get your way out. 

Find out how to cope with loneliness, your actitude and live ONE DAY AFTER A DAY. 

I enjoy sharing with people who are accesible and open minded IN THE STREETS. 

If you are secluded, the CC and other sites may help you find some relief or a definitive way to sort these out. 

Allow me to say that I wish God may look on those who feel alone or the sadness of loneliness, same way I have see it here and elsewhere.

To someone

“In my quest to find Mr Right (or rather hoping he would find me) I have found that dating seems to be a mission... I want someone who has a relationship with Jesus. But I'm finding more and more that so many single guys have this whole act going on in church. You would be so convinced that they are saved and have a relationship with God only to date them and realize that they are playing church just for their family. How do you even know when someone is genuine and someone is not?”

I loved what you have said. In fact, you are not the only one seeking that Mr Right. You are not alone, and I hope to find that special person and reading that “you also hope to be found” made me smile, since I once posted the same on blogger.com, some time ago... Ja! Ja!

Twenty years ago, I thought my Mss Right would be in a church. I used to say to God: “Allow me to find her, in a way she looked like my grandmother...” (She was a Baptist woman, and I had wrong ideas on how my grandma was) But I loved the way she was!

Those days I met one woman I liked (and her name was close to my grandmother's, also) Ja! Ja! (I think God showed me how foolish my ideas were, those days).

I liked that relationship we both developed. I wasn't sure she was my Mss Right, but I married her anyhow, because I believed she was “my” Mss Right (She wasn't mine, telling the truth! Same way I wasn't her Mr Right).

The church, as a mean to find friends or spouses, is the same like outside: There's no guaranty on WHO you would find...

I enjoyed the two first years (We spent 13) and I cannot say how long she enjoyed me, but she endured me! (Same way I stood by her side, since both tried to make it function).

Problems came when we realized we were too different, and things became worst when:

1. Baby Joshua came... (Money was an issue at that moment) as this is today!

2. She invited some of her family to live with us (that spoiled sexual intimacy, personal space and privacy, and those things you will know when facing it yourselves).

3. Doctrinal and personal beliefs came along to separate ME from hers (She was a Pentecostal and I still being a non-religious Christian believer).

4. She used to think she was a leader! (a church leader and HOME leader) and her commitment to her Pentecostal denomination made me feel I was isolated, since I was doing my part at the Christian Churches (not thinking I was a leader) Jesus is my leader! (I came to Christ, as my Lord and Savior, through the work of people from the Team Expansion missionaries).

5. I married her for physical relief. It wasn't the love I know now. So I failed from the very beginning, and I knew something about her I should have divorced before passively thinking: “Probably God wants me to be married and love her the way she is...”

Genuine love is an unidirectional COMMITMENT, not a fixed feeling I condition for convenience.

You don't know a person unless you live with that one you planned to love or marry.

Doctrinal beliefs should be explored first than touching hands, lips, or any part of the body or those changing feelings.

Church is supposed to be the “ideal” place to find out that idealized person, but look at the stories of Rebecca, who was found IN THE STREET, directed by God through prayers (Abraham's, his servant's and Isaac's human longings).

Look at Ruth story... Look at Booz account and his justice... Those people came from afar and outside the religious synagogue or denominational church. Some churches are a sort of kindergarten, home schools or military hospitals for healing wounded hearts...

What I'm saying is the Church is not exclusive for finding your Mr or Mss Right!

You cannot find your best choice in a disco, in a bar, in a party where they consume drugs or enjoy cheating.

You cannot get your Mr Right if you see his date several girls in a week or if he/she keeps on wooing a couple of girls/women/men at the same time.

You shouldn't marry a woman who thinks (of herself) she is a leader or tries to lead you, as a man. (Remember the saying: “Behind any big man, there is a big woman...”).

I love to be the one I am!

God is not religion, but A WAY TO LIVE, more than this materialistic culture.

Of course, I see how materialistic Rebecca was when RECEIVING all that stuff she received on behalf of Isaac´s name. I saw how materialistic Isaac and I are when staring at outer beauty, since OUR MINDS are set on things that are conditioned or programmed to be understood by OUR EYES, instead of our hearts (or by the spirit of our minds).

Did Moses marry an ugly woman?

Did he marry a Cushitic woman while Sephora was alive? (Does any of us know more than God?)

Abraham married a nice looking woman. He met her PERSONALLY, not by a hidden picture nor in a Blind date... Why DO many people hide? I know many like to play their games, but I don't like playing hide & seek.

Jacob wanted a nice looking woman, but Laban tricked him to work 7 more years to get Rachel... How long will you be WORKING TO GET HER?

I leave these things on God's...

I barely get enough to my daily living.

Nov 20, 2013

A.T.

Public Confession

Let´s say my public confession is not exact, as it is. Let´s say I´m wrong, far from the accuracy of the view of my faulty feelings so, when Jesus comes, my nudity will be exposed to my shame in public.

Let me say there are things I never confessed, such as that lust I never pleased and those things I did or said that never meant.

I stole, I lied, I killed.

I did things the other way around.

I lied, I cheated.

That´s why I know these hurt.

I do not write for you. I do write for my sake.

These words will not lessen my guilt. These will not reduce the condemn I deserve.

I cannot hide my faults and these help me nothing to find alibis or a remedy.

I´m a sinner! And I am not proud of this. I did wrong. And there is no chance to change the past (but the present) to make things anew, as an amendment.

Resentments? There are! I made things wrong and hurt.

I did more things I should. I hurt instead of loving. I killed instead of bringing life; and there is no chance to mend or apologize.

I abused the innocent. I lied to get physical release and cheated up to the moment I knew that hurts.

I wish I had known all these things I know now .

Will I change the past?

Will I be back to ask them to forgive?

I wish I knew what I could, but there's no time to cry over leftover.

I'm leaving life and I don't know why I came...

A. Toro           May, 2013

Inspiring movies. (Sept. 2013)

Last night I could watch 3 movies I borrowed from my friend pastor Eduardo three weeks ago. I came to Ccs for my mother´s birthday and had the chance to turn on one of my PC to enjoy myself watching: a) “The secrets of Jonathan Sperry” (www.SperryMovie.com) b) “The freedom writers’ diary” and c) “Our Lady of Victory” (2011)

• The secrets of Jonathan Sperry gave me some ideas useful to preach or to work with young people; but I actually lack his facilities, the neighbourhood and some resources… I could work on that, but my “target” is quite different (just in case I take my own ideas to be adapted to my vicinity).

• The freedom writers’ diary is one of those movies I wish I could keep at hand to study it frequently. I will do my research later on and, obviously, it has its racial background, some Jewish scent helping to back up their “local” segregation, but that serves very well to show –according to the movie- how USA could be dealing with the their social problems (which seem to be rooted on economical opportunities, equal rights, educational needs and more cultural things I cannot feel (or guess) since I don´t live there in those States).

• Our Lady of Victory is based on a true sport history. I watched the deleted scenes and these had some elements Catholic people would see as “offensive”, like nuns dancing… :P  They showed some real film records of the Immaculata college’s success and the way they wore “tunics” as their uniform to play basketball…

What I liked more of these two last movies (a thing that shocked my attention) was the clear contrast between two opposite situations: 

a) Ms G. (Hilary Swank) faced divorce while teaching high school, while blessing and leading others´ life. 

b) Cathy Rush was married to a man who often played basketball, one who really knew team working, and backed her up to accomplish her job.

What I´ve found inspiring on these videos is easy to understand (if you yourself watch them) but, regarding the family, those we would like to get or ever have, could be quite different if we were married with the wrong person, unequally yoked.

What kind of a spouse would you like to be?

I don´t know the passion each person has. It could be professionally developed on your job daily or lovingly worn at home, with your loved ones; but some secretly have it and some sadly feel they miss it.

On those movies the passion for a job were exaggerated, perhaps unrealistically or naively; these examples are not impossible and could cause any some splits, divorce, emotional loneliness filled with the emptiness of frustration, which usually comes when someone is not achieving his/her personal goals, these that are thought to be found at marriage or in a love relationship. 

At The freedom writers’ diary movie a man leaves her woman. At Our Lady of Victory another helps his spouse to win with her team. What kind of man do you like to be with? Which of these you are alike?

I understood Ms G.´s husband wanted a hommie woman, just for him, when he came anytime home. On this case, the character of the man Hilary Swank might have married looked selfish, self-centred, and served her enough to chat about her day and to please that H.S. teacher who devoted long hours working outside but, contrasting both movies, coach Cathy Rush married a man with similar professional likes (basketball), this accepted her freedom of choice and understood the personal need she had to work outside home (I like the way she dealt with his feelings when he felt jealous, since she mentioned the time she gave him attending some of his matches, when playing basketball).

Which of these two men you identify with, as husbands? Which of these two girls/women would you like to marry?

I think –if I were married- I wouldn’t like to get one spouse who often comes back home late. I see all of us, as humans, need self-respect, healthy admiration and some kind of personal achievements; but I don´t need (nor like) anyone who behaves bossy or lives too busy (that´s the hermit in me).

Inside de DVD I saw some enjoyable pictures and a tiny video of the class of the freedom writers. The movie has updated very fitly the amount of the Afro-Americans, the Latinos and the Asian attending classrooms somewhere else there. Will you mind to compare the picture of that class in 2006? 

Surely you will agree on the positive side of the critics to racism. The English version doesn´t have some words I heard on the Mexican version. Some Afro-Americans said, in the Spanish version, “they came first”. What about the ancient American Indians and its banished cultures? (Is their fate similar to the Amalekites, Canaanites, etc.?)

My concern it is that I´m black and Latin European. My grandparents were Italians, Spaniards and my father’s mother was black and white. I was raised in the house a Native American built with my grandmother. He reluctantly accepted my dad, and later on accepted me, not having his own blood. Is it a race we lacked? Do we know who we biologically belonged? God is absolutely different! A man is jealous for each man. We naturally see others as potential enemies, because we don´t equally belong to the kingdom of God. 

I know the country and the place where I was raised, but I don´t belong them. There was a time I could boast at that citizenship I freely received, but I long for Christ´s. I know who I was, the things I did and enjoyed, but I am not to imitate those things I had and now regret. As Christian, I am like you, as you are like me. Where are those rights I claim?

As an outsider, CC looks multicultural and interdenominational. The world, as far as I can see it, is the same, but I know its limits, its borderlines, i.e.: “Do not send me PMs”, “Do not write to me unless I know you”, etc. Do they really serve to stop creepers or weirdoes?  Ha! Ha! (I received one of those stupid things creepers write to woo on CC).

I know I lack God´s love to approach people. I don´t know how to change this world I live, but Jesus knows. The lesson that classroom gave me is love, and it cost any time and pains. Here in Venezuela we live with the same hate; it is not racial, but social. The political resentment is used to keep their “leading” role to get access to amounts of money. Public agencies and the media are used to maintain the ideological influence the hypocritical communist stills to stay in the government, same way they worked in Germany, the URRS and Vietnam. The local war has begun to find food, to invade and seize private property when expropriating factories and the land that were used to produce enough meat and food. Here is the dictatorship of mediocrity!

How long does it take to be widely spread? God knows! But next Third World War has begun in the minds of those who don´t see this far more. 

Syria is not my local war, same way Venezuelans should be concerned on our social issues first: We need God to rule from within.

Just see how you would react: In a narrow prophylactic scope, let it be allowed to ask How would you deal with Aids and the people who are infected with more evil diseases? No matter the colour of their race, stop thinking about their social status or cultural background, but at the potential risk of these diseases spread which see no face to pollute (and the way to spare your life from being infected by this and other contaminating factors related to sins). Don´t you shrink like me? What is your deciding attitude toward worldwide secularism? What is your standpoint when this openly threatens your life, your family´s welfare or nation? We all let sin to be spread. It´s just taking its toll on conventional sinners.

The movies are inspiring but this last questions are painfully shocking, aren´t they?

Just leave anything you like… (like prayers, for example).

A.T.

Not the whole world...

For years, more than a decade, I disliked hearing: “...and the whole world lies in the power of the Evil one”. That sounded me hopeless, sad and “true”.

Those who belong to the watchtower of the Jehovah´s witness abuse it “to explain” the evil in the world; when there are disasters we don´t dare to mention God punishing the earth.

I dislike mentioning God´s name when there are dozens using it to get money (or to get what she-he wants). God has absolute right to do what He does: He is God! (But not the whole world lies under the power of the Evil one).

I have seen Jehovah´s witness seldom vote: That´s their right! But Christianity does not deserve evil men ruling nations. Do we?

“Democracy” gives us a chance to vote for a “better government”, but we are in the mess of unbelieving men and women. Who am I to blame?

I will not blame John for that mistaken idea (I John 5:19). If it were “the whole world” I might infer God is not ruling what He has made -The whole universe!

The Bible teaches me God ordered Sodom and Gomorrah to be destroyed (Gen 19) and before that, He destroyed the whole world with a flood (Gen 7). Who is charge then? I believe God rules from Heaven.

At the beginning I thought there were some pauline ideas crawling around because, apart from Jesus Christ, “we know in part, and we prophesy in part”  (I Cor.13:9-10) If we were divine or angels those limits were present, because we´re not God and we are invited to be like Jesus (I Cor. 2:11b; Col.2:2b-3)

I believe John was right when saying: “They all are not of us” (I Jn.2:19) The idea -here- is complete different because everybody is not God´s people. Some are misguided and some are misleading others. God´s will will prevail.

We need to pass away to see He is right and told the truth. This is not the punishment I deserve for the sinful life I have lived. Pains and earthly toils helped me to change a little. These together modeled my character to be converted to His will, instead of my imperfect desires.

I cannot use an isolated idea to explain the world I like or disliked. There are flaws in me and all the people we are talking as “world”. Some have changed because they surrendered to God´s will and His anointed one.

After reading Daniel (Dan. 4:17b, 26, 32b) some of my misconceptions changed. I believed I could change the world by voting or fighting, but the fight is against evil spirits ruling over many minds of unbelievers (here some Pauline’s ideas fit well). Punishment enforces the worldwide outreach of God´s will, and Daniel´s account teaches that to believers. Who am I to say “the whole world lies under the Evil one”?

Something went wrong when conveying (or translating) that idea of John. That made me feel God wasn´t in charge. I felt it hopeless. No matter how inspired I see John is.

Here the adoption (I Jn 5:19b) depends on my will and God´s will: He invites us and we accept it, if believed because “greater is He who is in you than he who is in the world” (I Jn 4:4)

There is a turning point that refreshed me when I see things done, when I believe BY EXPERIENCE and theory becomes practical truth (2 Peter 2:5).

Sometimes words keep on babbling alone, some looked like nonsense and “Jewish want a sign and Greek want more wisdom” (1 Cor.1:22-23)  What if you see some were predicted?

Daniel foretold Jesus, the Christ, crucified: Daniel 9:26

Some men have counted those times and history proves Jerusalem was destroyed by Titus, AD 70. Who is in charge then?

Daniel 12:10 resumes the world we´re living in. We blame whomever we want but, at the long run, we will give an account and our secret deeds will be exposed to public eyes.

I believe God knows everything and Daniel 12:2 is inspired enough to prove the evil one is not in control, not even a simple man.

I hope my name be found and written in the book of life, to be living (Rev. 20:6, 12, 15) because it is God who rules the whole universe (Daniel 5:21b; 7:13-14).

Is there a quick way to consult God?

Daniel teaches me that there are hindrances, spiritual forces blocking the way for the answers to our prayers (Dan. 20:12-14), but there times where Israel knew God´s will by consulting some precious stones worn inside the ephod (Exo. 28:30).

David (1 Sam 23:2, 4) and Saul consulted God by casting that sacred lot. Saul was not given ultimate answers (1 Sam. 28:6). Sometimes God does not answer by dreams, messengers or the Bible, and personal experiences tell we fail and tend to failures. Have you consulted mediums or spirits? (1 Sam 28:8, 11, 13)

I don´t know if during the lifetime of Jesus the ephod was still in use or if it was worn with the Urim and Thumming to consult God´s will, but I see they were used or missed when all Israel returned to the Promised Land 430 years before Jesus (Neh. 7:65; Ezra 2:63).

Professor J.F. McLaughlin (B.D., D.D.) once wrote: “...this custom of trying to obtain guidance from God by casting a lot belongs to the earliest times and to a very primitive kind of thinking. In later times more spiritual conceptions of religion were introduced by the teaching of the prophets and it fell into disuse...”

What were the lost Urim and Thumming?

I don´t think it was primitive way of seeking God´s will. Sometimes we need His “Yes” or “No” clearly heard and understood. Some may find it old fashioned, but it served God´s people to make their right choices, even at times of family wars (Judges 20:18-23, 26).

I don´t think all are completely wicked and unholy, and those who wore the ephod had the judgment above (and on) their hearts (Exo. 28:30b, 36)

What are the alternative ways of listening God´s will today and now? (I need your help).

I´ve heard of fasting, prayers, reading the Bible... Are today’s circumstances speaking like those Daniel lived to mention God is in control ? (Dan.4:17b, 26b, 32b)

Sometimes we forget to consult God, same way Israel did several times (Josh 9:14). The price we paid for that fault doesn´t bring joy to our life. Each does as he did because sometimes we forget Jesus (or God) as ruling King (Judges 21:25)

Most of the decision I´ve made were thought without God in mind, and I needed His guidance. Christians or not, the world needs God´s direction to succeed.

What would you give to help us sort life out when not having the Urim and Thumming at hand?

A.T.    Jul 2013

Roles July 17, 2013

Some ideas come from jokes and these sometimes have some truths: Men should be PROVIDERS since women are their receptacles... When this role function changes, Eve becomes a life provider, more than giving children, and she comes home with forbidden fruits; so I don´t want to live out Adam´s failures.

I´ve seen too many couples having trouble with their economy. The man is not the provider or, in that case, he gives less than what it is expected to. He pretends to rule that aspect of the relationship and he is lacking what it is needed, desired or considered above certain level. Why am I to be married if I am not an average man?

Modern culture expects you to be the giver, the gardener who brings food and unnecessary stuff home. Once a woman does it, she regrets you are not giving more and sometimes she thinks she gives more than you; and let it be known that are some who give their all to receive nothing (or too little) in turn.

I am not feminist! I know they like unnecessary stuff. They love things women love and men despise, but they are so and we are how we are. Some long a perfect home, some like to live in a castle and planned their husbands pay for a wedding where 200 hundred people come and be entertained. Will you pay for that? Some are better worker than their men. They work at home and outside. Some are lazy, but I´m sure you will not marry a lazy spouse. Will you?

Believe me I know both sides. I married one good worker but we saw life differently. I married her for wrong reasons and had 3 children, but that was an unequal yoke and our children were affected when I asked her to be divorced (I do not regret it! But it hurt both and the children).

I didn´t know how to be the pitcher when she couldn´t be the catcher. She had liked to be the manager (and the best player also) when I lacked some basic knowledge to be in such home team. Have you played those games?

Man needs to be the provider. When women become the master of the house, when she pays the bills the other spouse owes, ladies feel they came to some kind of servitude and certainly regret it and, if this comes to be so, try your best it be for few days, not for a month. Believe me! I know these for me and for other´s failures. Both can be providers, but the leading role should be in each man.

Women resent not receiving. Men are to be the pitchers and not the vessel of a catcher.

I have a sister and I know from her issues, and from the life of those who are -or were- my friends. I write this for you. I know what I have learned from heartaches and would like to spare you my divorce problems: Our natural leadership is giving, not receiving. Don´t you like to be blessed?

When my dad lost his business (and money) he also lost my mother (and she was quite nice looking to get somebody´s attention and favor). Let´s say the bond was not money, but she went to work to give food her two boys and, when doing it, my dad did what was wrong: He wasted the money we needed in other girls... Do I need to say what came next?

One thing is betting to lose than being a loser. That is not a natural role of men or women. Money is needed to keep those you love and children need to be raised (women do know it better). Will you love someone who has you to lose? I don´t!

Always there are exceptions! (but the lesson of Eve is written on Gen 3:6). Sometimes it is too late to open the eyes when consequences arrive (Gen. 4:1-2). Adam had a job (a gardener) but allowed let his lover work for him... (Gen. 2:8, 15).

We cannot be lazy people. Roles are settled and established and, when man and woman marry, I think one has to be at home (Am I wrong?)

We don´t live in a holy world. The 10 commandments help to warn us to be aware of and there are some who covet spouses and steal away homes. Will you open the door to thieves?

We do not respect traffic lights when chances are seen. If you are a good men or woman, you know God is good, not you (not me). Real life is not a bed of roses, and singles (or married) want to try the honey someone else paid.

Modern life is so that, when I spent 3 months close to Pemon tribes (1988), I knew more from those who are not like city people: Pemons have different sex roles and each with their jobs. Are women to be Kings and men to be Queans? (I said this came from a joke).

Life goals come around. You build a house and not many are your home. Men are to be providers and women could be their helpers, in clear sex roles. Society seldom backed up men who long to be home and this depends on the woman you cling to. See we do not live in a Christian world-wide community helping you (and me) to follow the ten commandments, while some strongly oppose to keep those rules Exodus mentioned (Exo. 20:17, 15, 14).

You will meet your spouse at work, at the university... Sure out her home! What I´m saying here is you must build your own home, and I hope you find someone who loves you to be her leader, just by giving (do not marry a lazy person).

A.T.