His will be done

These words of you are sweeter than candies. Besides, I don´t know where or how to start giving you an answer, but I´ll try my best.

First of all, I don´t make plans. I used to. I agree they serve you to anything like a guiding plan, like a road map, but the end result it´s not as it is (or was) expected.

When being a child I set in mind some dreams and by age, I recognized some on them were forgotten or left aside, for any reason or lacking enough attention to fulfill them.

Have you watched that movie of Disney-Pixar´s, named “UP”? (I like it!).

These two people on that story met when being too young. The little girl was proactive, independent and that fat and young boy who she met was a follower…

Certain moment later they married (I love it!) and soon they started to save some money to buy an additional house, somewhere in Venezuela (near Angel´s fall, in Bolivar state). He was a balloons seller and she worked in a tourism office.

They usually set money into a glass and when it was needed, they took money off from that saving stock: Their roof was broken by a falling tree, their car was damaged… so they used the money they have in store.

When that young lady became old, they have lived up a lot, together, but never could buy such a second house they have planned to buy –long ago- to move to the place they dreamed of (Venezuela).

What´s hindering life to let our dreams flow and become true? (sometimes money lack).

When the lady died, that man alone did what they have planned and longer postponed. He, on that Disney´s movie, did what I cannot do with flying balloons: He left his place on earth, and move to another land he has longed for too long. I wish I have winds! I wish I could fly and know where I most go.

I loved that movie!

It keeps on teaching and giving me life lessons (so I recommend it).

Your letter, which I read as I interpreted (and corrected to myself) will be attached to an empty email. I don´t want to live like people who always plan and never achieve. I wish I could do some minutes things and issues, but the price I must pay is always uncertain and, besides, I know but a little about you.

I like the way you think, but I haven´t met you personally. Let´s say I´m afraid, and I acknowledge that no one else says what you said, but that´s no enough: I´ve been hurt that way several times, that I don´t know the man I am now.

I was a man who easily believed, who easily loved, and I´m not that man I used to be. Pain changes me! Same way mistakes and faults.

By September 2012 I met somebody. I think I had found the best woman I could have thought, but I was wrong. She gave me wings to start loving her, but she had her own hidden agenda, her own plans, and I thank her for the love lesson she gave me and learnt: I must not love those I don´t really know.

When meeting her I said, to myself: “This is the one I have longed for”. There were some parts of her being I didn´t liked, but –in general- I thought: “How am I? I don´t deserve a woman like this and, if she accepted me (being poor, ugly, seven-times despised). Who am I to ask a little more?”

I started to live up what I thought I could not live again. I was like a child, like a man on his youth, and stopped looking at other girls, at other legs, and soon I knew I was in love. (God! I thought that was impossible).

I had my own dreams. I knew there were economic things hindering me (and us) But I started to change (from the inside out).

I always had in mind certain things. I reduced some parameters of my standards to cope with, and I knew she wasn´t the “right one”… Same way I knew I WASN´T HER RIGHT ONE, too. (But I loved her as she has accepted me, as well).

She was a nice looking woman, from the inside, from the outside. I wanted to spread that love I felt all over her, but I did not.

Differences aroused soon, so I knew what to face, but I stayed up to the last moment (The moment I knew she had another man she liked: More than me).

A long term relationship needs too many things I cannot count to myself. A never ending relationship is a foolish dream, and the more we go different, the less we attract or draw.

Men and women need physical attraction. Similar hobbies and likes in common may serve to share, but we are a changing skin, same way we become another, day after day (the only ONE who never changes is God).

I don´t know you. I love the way you say: “I will go, I promise this”, but I haven´t finished building my own house, in more than 10 years.

That trip to Colombia took me a year to be done. I did not save, but got the money from the work I had been doing that moment, and that paid me enough to buy my bus ticket (then I saw how God gave me the chance to meet the woman I liked there, because I knew her by pictures, chats, videos and phone calls).

From here, I could send her some money to buy a pair of glasses she needed. But It wasn´t my money, but God´s 10% I saved for people in need...

After a year, I have enough to pay for my bus ticket and, when meeting in Colombia, she asked me to take her home to Venezuela, because she decided to follow me “to know me”, and so she did.

Later on, a full year in Venezuela, we moved on to Colombia.  There we lived with her family, having a room and a borrowed bed. That relationship there lasted 5 months only (and here we spent more than a year to get and save money for the planned trip, by 2010).

How could I buy an airplane ticket to nowhere? (being realistic, I guess).

It´s easier to walk by sight, than by faith…

The love story of the “UP” movie, end it up well. They made up plans together, but only one did it (and it´s just a fantasy movie).

The next love story passed, by September 2012. I thought she was “the best”. I made my own dreams (those I never shared) and those days I started to walk by faith, because I knew who I am, but had the pleasure to share with a woman I liked: She was used to be rich (now poor) but I could give her things I could buy with my own money, with the effort of my hands and daily toils (she gave me nothing, but her attention).

The Colombian love story was real. It wasn´t so intense like this left behind recently (It passed away) But love is always real and needs things we seldom have. I am afraid to fail again.

We can dream our dreams, but time and a budget are always needed.

How could I walk overseas? Simon Peter walked over waters, and failed walking in front of Jesus Christ, himself.

I only own 21 US dollars, and learnt to live each day after a day.

I don´t care if it is biblical or not. I do live one day at a day.

I don´t need to dream, I don´t like making plans. I do what I do.

My life has not been what I´d have planned. I do not regret what I´ve done, but I could have done more if I had known.

My Colombian project needed money.

My recent love “project” needed money, also. But I´m glad it is gone: I did not belong to any who could cheat on me.

What if you meet someone you like more?

What if I find someone else near?

Besides, our creeds are different. I won´t attend your church and I´m not sure on what Church I most belong. (I´m not a Church goer, although I love all those values you really own: No one like you!).

I´m marveled on the way you are (kind, upright, a noble Christian, etc.) and I most confess that that joke -I thought it was a real prayer- spoiled anything in me. (Sorry! It led me to doubts, and being truly true, I don´t remember where I asked you to be my “wife” or pen-girlfriend; but we remain as friends, if you are please).

I´m being honest, with me and you.

As friend I received you. If you want and need overseas experience, I welcome you, even in my “home” (and we know now it´s a kind of hut) Ha! Ha!

I like you for those values many would despise, those some people would disdain, but not me. You are a real woman, a Christian one, bigger than me (but I´m not Catholic).

In Colombia, that one I was about to marry started to be as she was pleased to be. I wanted to be married for the benefit of marrying there, but I won´t make a mistake twice: The person I loved changed there. And I won´t marry another for legal rights to stay, to be out somewhere.

At my age, for me, it seems foolish to marry a woman for “legal” sex. I once made that mistake, and a divorce certificate is tagged along to a woman for my personal faults. I won´t marry a woman to have sex and, being honest (too) I have nothing to give while I´m getting old: I noticed how my sex drive has changed. I wish I had a woman, only for me, but if I´m not pleasing? If she needs much more that I can give?

I´m talking about money, pleasure, as means of self human gratification, as these things are commonly thought to be pleasing and sought in everybody´s life.

I don´t want to be cheated.

I don´t like cheating; but if I am not giving enough? If I´m not doing things well? (Will I be pleased with someone I don´t love?)

No! I rather admit my fears than being hurt. I can get or give me some little things, and these are better than disappointing another´s dreams.

Time is doing its job on me. I´m not a tired iron but, am I getting too old?

My own Mom still have foolish dreams of marrying a rich man who gives her all she wants… (and she is an old woman of her 70).

A relationship, any, needs hugs, touching and kissing. Talking and going out are a most, but being worlds apart, not having one common root on the same soil, is unsafe to belong.

I´ve heard one voice, but I´ve heard these reasons: I´m almost 52. How long will I live? (And I hate living with the people I´m disbelieving).

I don´t dare to plan the morrow ´cause I haven´t seen the sun.

I cannot say: “I´ll be there” because none knows who is coming in, on the stage of this theatre of deceitful life.

I don´t know what women like. I know they love receiving more then giving, and each time I tried my best, I failed: I cannot dream of being hired in Venezuela. That´s why I´m self employed and I get enough to daily food.

Have I told you that God uses some people to give me shoes and clothing?

I work, not everyday, but God has helped me to get enough to keep on living, because I´m not in a payroll list, I have no saving account nor credit cards.

Will that serve to be everybody´s life pleasing?

I am not actually giving money my own children. How could I help backing up somebody´s life into a new relationship? There´s a price I most pay, but love isn´t enough for a daily living.

I wish I knew what way would be enough and pleasing.

Having someone to hug and tenderly kiss is not a foolish dream, but I don´t own a bed of smelling roses.

It´s easy to walk by sight, and pain toiling the road I chose.

How could I be with someone, not buying a pair of shoes?

Venezuela is not my place.

I do not belong to it, but it´s the place I´ve owned.

Love is an adventure!

It´s like reading a novel seeing me as a featuring character, like an evolving actor…

Self gratification is not what I sought, but it´s anything from nothing (and I considered those who have nothing in nothing).

I don´t dare to dream.

I won´t dream, not any longer.

How could I stop myself from daydreaming?

There are so many things missing. This life is such a mess, that I promised not to dream, not any more.

What for? To wake up, later on?

I spent 50 years of my entire life daydreaming.

Those I once loved are gone or set aside. I have caused hurts, pains. Not any more! If I don´t have what I lack, I won´t live too long (I don´t have a plan to live longer: No matter how much I´ve failed).

Some people hear voices. I only heard an angel´s voice once and he said: “Calm down!” And this is what I plan to do.

I cannot live for tomorrow if I don´t start from today´s.

You are free!

I own nothing, not even a breath of life.

I care not for tomorrow.

I won´t make any plan.

I live one day each day.

Some may say “it´s biblical” but I´d say “It´s practical”. I cannot plan for tomorrow, if I can´t live a simple day.

Achievements serve as for passed references or experiences we´ve learnt.

Success is the final step after the last effort to get anything (and I´d better to show these empty hands, this empty mind).

No one wrote beautiful things like those you showed, but I promised nothing to myself.

You go. Follow your heart and get your dreams done.

I rather walk along, empty handed.

I´m sure of nothing.

I won´t plan anything unless being driven or receiving a hint.

I´ve failed! But this time I go alone, I won´t hurt no one else.

I cannot help others if it is proven I haven´t helped me enough. I wish I had a place, and that I really own, cannot fly with balloons.

I loved some of your plans, but I most be realistic: I´m not a teenager.

You need to go your own.

Pen-palling, as an example, is not enough to establish a human relationship. It serves as a means of sharing, meeting, but not getting or nurturing.

Does a phone call add anything?

My past experience shows me that I most belong. People most belong to be strongly united, to be equally yoked, more than words promised or simple plans shared because we´ve liked.

Besides, showing you these things, some things went off when I planned to write.

These days my prayers became an empty talk.

I wish they were a real talk to God, but I´m tired to listen to my voice: I don´t like talking to me alone (that´s why I write them).

I know He is real, but it´s easier to place an international phone call -to any phone number- than listening to what He wants me to understand.

I cannot love God by reading.

I can´t get enough, from a second hand experience.

Saul Paul (St. Paul) he himself said: “Faith comes by hearing”.

What kind of FAITH should this be?

What kind of HEARING we human need?

The Bible is a second hand experience. The Bible is written, not SPOKEN, and it keeps on TALKING in spite of its “mute” sound on history.

What hinders me to listen to God directions?

Lack of faith?

Lack of hearing? (and hearing is obeying, sometimes).

Let´s say I haven´t abandoned myself to be His, for being me, while trying to be mine.

Who knows?

A remote love experience is not enough. It happens to me, it happens to many, and someone has to be near, easily met, not this way (I admit I was wrong. I didn´t know how wrong I was).

I have seen, in this present life, that certain things are confirmed:

1)      By circumstances.

2)      By the witness of two or three people who do not know what you needed to   know.

3)      By direct examples and answers to prayers.

That woman in Colombia is (or was) Catholic and she used to talk to God and He guided her (there was a case -of two stars- I actually mentioned and made public).

I have heard of people who had direct answers or some people´s witness that helped them to make right decisions (and those who did wrong choices).

Recently, some of my relatives told me a story where one of my extended family was spared from being robbed, while travelling in a bus.

God is real and always sends His messengers, one way or another.

You´ll have such a message or the messenger.

I myself need directions: The message or the messenger (to avoid my mess).

He! He!

I gave up.

I gave my life up to His and no matter I say this or that: His will be done!

A.T.