Some of us feel or are lonely, but...

Isa 53:8 He was taken from prison and from judgment: and who shall declare his generation? for HE was cut off out of the land of the living: for the transgression of my people was he stricken.

This seems to apply for Jesus, and hurts my eyes.

I remember Nicolas, a man whom I met in those streets, who felt alone and left that house it was not his home. I remember his tears, and how he cried and hugged Elizabeth, telling us his sad story. Who knows Jesus´? Who wrote about His deepest feelings, except about His remarkable deeds and teachings?

I´m glad that “Lazarus” can´t see down here (Luk 16:23). I´m glad they´re ceased and passed away, because it is said: Lukes 16:25 "Abraham replied, 'Remember, my child, that you had a life filled with good times, while Lazarus' life was filled with misery. Now he has peace here, while you suffer.

I´m happy with my share, I have lived and I haven´t lost hopes on somethings God and Jesus know. I had children. Joshua was (or is) the one I missed more, but he deserves his life and his living, and I plan to be here to help him walk, as long as I can and, the same applies for Joy, Elisha and Alexangerla (the one I enjoy now).

One of my brother is childless and, sometimes He shows his affection to them in the streets that I told him the story of a friend, whose uncle had legal problems in Washington, just by being accused like a child molester (Venezuelan culture is open to show some affection Saxon avoid).

Some people feel they are alone even in the company of those they don´t see that missed love. They don´t know how to manage or be cherished, because you are too far, unreachable, an a picture or a phone call cannot do what a hug deserves, a touching of arms heal, and a frank and direct eye talk can say to your lonely soul: I know it because I have lived it.

Our soul, our mind, lies, sometimes. The person who loves is just there and the waving of a tail, the welcome of a dog or a cat is not that thing you need, not the phone call of a distant children nor the text message received saying: “I love you”.

Who knows how God feels?

Who knows how Jesus felt?

Could He feel the warmest hug of a woman?

Could He enjoy the love of that “sinner” who poured perfume over His head (and body) using her hair to wipe her fault out?

That was pure love.

I had no other way to see it to think it.

Last week I went for shopping.

On my way I thought I´ve seen someone I really loved. It was a crowed boulevard and I thought I wasn´t daydreaming.

I let my feelings go. I allowed my eyes to see what I wasn´t seeing.

I stopped to look at her eyes. I wanted to know she was as happy as I was, meeting her without a date.

I asked: Do you want me to hug you or say just “Hello”?

I stared at my mind.

I knew it is love, but it´s not.

There were more people than I thought I could see.

I kept on walking and each time I was to cross a corner, the traffic light was red... Three times! (So I knew there was a lesson to stop)

I am not alone.

I´m plenty of love to give (but it´s not my time)

and I´m happy the life I lived.

P.S.

Just listen to the song “FEEL” of Robbie Williams.

Come And Hold My Hand.
I Want To Contact The Living.
Not Sure I Understand
This Role I´ve Been Given.

I Sit And Talk To God
And He Just Laughs At My Plans.
My Head Speaks A Language
I Don´t Understand.

I Just Want To Feel Real Love,
Feel The Home That I Live In.
´cos I Got Too Much Life
Running Through My Veins,
Going To Waste.

I Don´t Want To Die,
But I Ain´t Keen On Living Either.
Before I Fall In Love
I´m Preparing To Leave Her.

I Scare Myself To Death,
That´s Why I Keep On Running.
Before I´ve Arrived
I Can See Myself Coming.

I Just Want To Feel Real Love,
Feel The Home That I Live In.
´cos I Got Too Much Life
Running Through My Veins,
Going To Waste.
And I Need To Feel Real Love,
And A Life Ever After,
I Cannot Give It Up.

I Just Want To Feel Real Love,
Feel The Home That I Live In.
I Got Too Much Love
Running Through My Veins,
To Go To Waste.

I Just Want To Feel Real Love,
In A Life Ever After.
There´s A Hole In My Soul.
You Can See It In My Face,
It´s A Real Big Place.

Come And Hold My Hand.
I Want To Contact The Living.
Not Sure I Understand
This Role I´ve Been Given.
Not Sure I Understand.
Not Sure I Understand.
Not Sure I Understand.
Not Sure I Understand

Two things I dislike

When I once was younger and I didn´t know well. Adults used to say “old times” were better and often I laughed at their saying. How could that be? How could I know, if I was a spring chick?

Now I´m grown old. I see their time and mine. I have some means to see their past, their streets, their pictures, their memories, and I can tell those things you are going to miss when growing too old, too weak or strong to give credit those things that are beautiful in life.

In the Bible -too- you can see people crying (and missing) old times. I liked that part when their temple was re-built and many old people cried and shed their tears.

Jesus told many things will be torn (Mar_13:1-2 Jesus said to him, "Do you see these large buildings? Not one of these stones will be left on top of another. Each one will be torn down."), but memories are a good stronghold you can keep to build and help other persons.

I was raised in a culture I thought I like. When you convert to God, and His Son Jesus, you will know how wrong some things are. Do you know that conversion calls you to be somewhat Jewish?

I don´t know if you have checked how that process is, but I have seen how some people here are turning to Santeria, to Satanism, since many -like me- abandoned Catholicism to follow Jesus the way the Bible says (step by step) just by leaving their culture and its local biased traditions.

For instances, Patriotism is a sort of cult, a state religion, each local country has taught you and me, to die (while others are sit giving you orders)... Was it Jesus´ teaching? That was a Jewish teaching, instead.

If we want, we are to die for those loved ones, not belonging to a physical country or its state religion. On the contrary, traditions have taught us what served them to keep on ruling our ideas...

The Roman “Holy” Empire once visibly existed in Europe... It laid some teachings that are alive (and kicking). It made its syncretism of ideas to get you (and me) to do what they wanted (and still wants).

Few minutes ago, my mother started fighting with me to go out to buy things she likes for her X-mas (She´s finally gone!). He! He!

I can´t get the point about X-mas: Saturnalia feast enjoyed, under another name?

Is it for teaching about Christ?

Is it to enjoy just few days, like carnivals?

My mother is like grumpy. She is stubborn, rarely compassionate outside her heart, and rarely admits this as a fault; because each day she grumbles about almost anything (making me feel I don´t like her anymore, although she was the person I think I deeply loved, when a child).

I cannot believe a thing when this is taught with a lie.

I remember when I found several boxes my dad tried to hide under the bed, one of those days I cherished and enjoyed the lying. I didn´t have the time to speak sharing thoughts about this. He is gone and not dead (I hope).

X-mas is not my season.

I don´t like carnival either, so I had better to hide on those days they do their things the way I did... (Just see it in Peru: “As of 2010, it has become so violent that the government has imposed heavy penalties of up to eight years in prison ”

My life style calendar has to be changed, one of these days.

I´ll be grumpy for being in a place I don´t want to be in...

Hospitals

Today I had to visit one hospital for some tests on my heart.
I'm the type of person who seldom goes there, but I had
to check how it functions to see I'd resists the
medical treatment to kill the leishmania.

I saw people's faces,
concerned and feeling pains.
Their fears in sorrow,
their blood, their veins.

I felt how some may feel
the way they looked constrained.
There's blood, pissed up...
And all of these are vain?

Some are grieved
some are hurt
I saw their faces
I saw their pain.

Besides -within these-
there's a malign campaign:
Now, I opened the eyes.
We don't want to be there,

Money is sought,
Tears are shared.
And with a hug
someone's there.

My heart is broken
I've found no tear.
No place to run
I have some fears.

My heart is faulty.
I thought it strong.
Don't want to live it.
I wish I'm gone.

Don't know to sort it.
I wish my home.
This fear I let off.
I ain't buy hopes gone.

I'm not yet dying,
It's slow to go.
I wish I'm gone
This fear is on.

They're badly sad.
I saw that face.
They want their home.
As human race.

Some cried aloud,
Just few smiled.
I saw their blood,
their pain around.


I wish I'd receive my treatment now.
I don't want to spend any more day.


Money is sought,
All hopes're spent;
while many mourn,
I'm home again.

Legs or faces are broken.

Restless nights with longer days...

I'm really glad
That's not my case.

To tell what hurts and frustrates

I'd like to re-share with any reader what I learned of facebook (and other sites) that the usage of "LIKE" is RISKY or could mislead any to some sort of frustration (let me tell you why):

Last year, before September 2012, I was used to reading the writings of certain woman. I was aware of a personal problem she was RECURRENTLY mentioning (so I tried to help) and I did it. I spent a WHOLE year reading her stuff. I liked how she wrote, I wondered how she was (never saw a picture of her) but a kind of a virtual relationship was developing between us (Wow! When I give I give).

She was in Colombia and I was here, in Venezuela. She asked me for FB, so I gave her my account (which I use for political reasons) and there I saw her pictures (What pictures I've seen!)

If I liked her writings solely, her pictures drove me crazy! (This tip is given to virtual friends I have).

Christian woman (and men) had better to know and be aware of that foolish men (like me) fall in love for their eyes (That is FRUSTRATING) Ha! Ha!

Women also like what they see. But this ex-friend started to click "LIKE" on all those pictures I had there (so she became so noticed by I real friend who poked on me to say: "Wow! That woman really likes you!" (He didn't know how much I liked her, by that time).

That friendship became REAL.

She came back to Venezuela. We agreed with a personal meeting (it became a factual date) Not a BLIND date! Ha! Ha! and soon after I gave myself permission to love her the way I was feeling (she gave me some "rights", after few time, with a sweet kiss that was repeated with additional dates) and soon after, I had to remove my feelings because she acted like someone I would call a cheater (enough to tell what hurts and frustrates me)

What is friendship meant for?

There are many ideas in you and me. Research has been done and published on this important issue. Read it somewhere, but I have more ideas than these:

Why do I want to be your friend, to feel I belong or to give what I own?

I have many flashbacks now. I see how I was and how I am. Is friendship a kind of love or a personal convenience?

Do I like you or I want to be liked by you?

If I want to be liked, why do I need to be liked (or loved)?

Is it a selfish reason or I honestly want to give and share all I have (or could have had)?

A child is as he is. Social and parental interaction changes part of him (or her).

Once you teach him/her to be selfish, she is what you teach or what he/she has been designed by human DNA.

Society has modeled our life style with parents, customs, friends and our deepest personal needs. We were those we were; but we changed, we've made choices (and some went wrong).

We easily talked to unknown people at the streets, now it is seldom done: We knew fears and people are afraid.

I enjoy talking to SOME people. Some are easy going, but some of them have been hurt like me: Avoiding people is self protective (or overprotective).

Friendship is a feeling or a convenience?... You have made your choices.

I used to be a boy who often looked down on people. There were racial and social reasons connected to money. I would have hated me for being so discriminative (Believe me! It was awful).

I felt hurt and hid myself in me, at home. I lost sight of those I considered were my friends and knew how few people I liked honestly for their being the persons they were.

At school I was liked for being somewhat smart or “handsome” Ha! Ha! (They were wronged) but I looked down on some of those who liked me; because I thought they didn't deserve me (I wanted a more special person I've never found).

I tried to befriend those who had anything I wanted. It could have been a material thing or sex, and vaguely it was for real reasons, as likeness, similar like or activities.

At high school friendship was for seeking fun or sex (which was the same) but that “pure” condition was only changed after I finished those 3 first years. When I started my life as an “adult”, friendship was around basically sex, because I liked girls for fun.

Deepest relationships were developed by time; but now I'm so superficial that frightens me how I was changed and, the reason is that I only need one person, no more, because no one belongs to another, no even in marriage (and I know what I'm talking about).

Do we have similar likes, could I be your friend?

What for?

Are you (or I) being selfish or self-centered when seeking friendship?

Do I have what you need?

Do I want to give or take?

Are you given attention, or it is you who want to be heard to receive?

Love and friendship are to be given. These are not to be begged or sought.

Fight your fears! What would you loose if left?

I thank GOD for being the person He is: He is the more loving being any human could be missing while being selfish and self-centered.

How does my today's prayer was answered.

I'd like to testify, although God needs nothing from me...

Recently I got Leishmaniasis. Some vector, like any mosquito, bit me recently and, by the moment I went to the doctors, two of them just gave me antibiotics, and that was not the way to fight against this in my leg.

I haven't received the specific treatment yet. Some preliminary tests have been done and the suspected illness has been confirmed: Leishmaniasis in left leg.

Last night I was worried (upset, in fact). I didn't know where to go, I didn't know what to do, so I wrote my short prayer in my mind and left a little part of my concern on God's good will...

In the morning I wanted to run to find a quick answer. I could have gone to a well known hospital in the downtown, but I stayed near my PC and started to work on some things I had pending.

I did wrong (now I know it) but I was worried not knowing what to do. Have you been like that?

I briefly asked God some direction on where to go and what to do, while I was walking.

Loudly I prayed before crossing the first avenue on the unknown way where I started to walk. I had no idea where my steps would lead me, but I could not be stopped doing it. Then I asked God for His help and, when meeting motorcyclist driving, I asked Him to be protected from those drivers I hate for some reason I won't mention here...

I went to one emergency hospital. Then I walked to another near the first one... Soon I went to another on the same direction and founded out none would be of great help.

When I turned back to my mother's house, I stopped to check if any of these firsts could serve me to have some blood tests. The first hospital I have visited was the only of those medical centers enabled to help me. There I received some hope and, I knew if I had enough money in my pocket, I could pay for many of those tests (but they were 17 blood tests).

To be assured I was doing the best thing I went and passed by some private clinics, just to see prices and how these things could be done... There were too many people. I hate long lines, so I left.

Two days before, I received some directions I considered coming from God (I use to keep some tracks of certain CIRCUNSTANCES).

I wasn't in the mood of asking my family to help me. My mother, my suster and brothers know I'm in need of help and, in fact, I seldom asked them for it. I rather like asking God for HIS. He will never give you a thing to remind you He was the giver.

I walked several more blocks to save time. The motor vehicle traffic in Ccs is awful these days, so I wasn't in the mood of paying to be largely sit inside a car -doing nothing- while it is stopped (or packed) in the middle of any street or avenue.

I remembered my sister mentioned a hospital. She named it by name, and I had a phone text message telling me she could have someone working inside.

My sister is a very busy woman, so I walked alone to sort these things out... (but I wasn't alone).

There I asked and did the right things and, getting the exact information, I knew what I could do to get my blood texts taken for free at the same day (which worths more that anything I could pay later).

I saw a doctor and asked him what to do. I told him I am sick and needed some blood tests... He was kind and was walking with a nice looking woman, and he was willing to help (Thank you, Lord! You put both of them to help me on this way, as well as others).

I got the necessary papers and additional information. Otherwise, I was limited to wait for more than 3 days.

In the emergency room I met some female doctors and told them my case, just to receive their directions. Someone I don't know heard me, and asked her boss a permission. She wrote down my list of blood tests on a piece of paper for that hospital. You know how any emergency room could be crowded, but God brought some peace there so I would be effectively heard.

Four hours later I got personally those tests (which are within the normal rate) so I had to thank God again and those two doctors who paid some useful attention to my request (Her names be blessed too, God!).

I'm not used to pray long minutes or hours. I don't think it wise to look after God at my personal convenience, but now I needed HIM and someone else (those working inside the emergency room).

God saw who I am and how I feel when I had to go back to that hospital I used to go in my childhood to be healed from respiratory diseases I had (asthma).

He sees any who calls on HIS name, particularly, with a sincere heart (not for selfish conveniences).

These sores remind me my grandma, my dad and Lazarus' life. Can you imagine him bleeding, being licked by dogs or having flies all around? That's not my case! But I imagine a tired man, a person who has given up.

I have thought on the kind of friends Lazarus could possibly have had: Only dogs.

No real friends around, no job to depend on or reasons to rejoice.

Those sores were unfriendly and an ugly thing he had to face.

How many friends do you have when sick, poor and not healing?

Do they love you in a worst state?

I have seen some hermits! But those persons badly sick don't even dare to open their eyes to breathe.

According to my view, the sick feel worst than us who are healthy.

Circumstances may be knocking at your door to talk and to teach you something you have missed. It doesn't matter how rich or poor you are at any moment, God is preparing you to be in a better place.

I myself am learning to depend on Him on a daily base. I'm jobless, not retired, since 2000. When you get your money on a regular payment you trust that income to live at ease, if you don't spend too much.

Money gives you some kind of confidence you'd better leave: Trust no one, except God.

I wish I could hear His personal voice (This is one of those prayers I keep on repeating). There were times when I prayed often, on a regular Christian base, but I felt disappointing talking alone, so now I write and my words remain.

I testify He is alive, He gives you some answers, but I wish He be seen or heard.

He has helped me to live for more than 13 years. I work whenever He gives me the chance to work for anyone, everywhere. I'm thankful because I'm not enslaved with a job where I had to tie a necktie to my borrowed time. I'm jobless but enabled to serve, to help and teach others whenever it is required. So these circumstances are talking instead of some of my foolish wishes.

Money makes someone to be proud, but pride is not a good friend to be hold when you are weakly bossy or life has made you to be showy.

Money may speed up some earthly things, but real and spiritual ones cannot be bought or completely gotten. It is a tool I have to leave to be set free from its slavery: I can buy a medicine, but seldom health.