Puzzled

I´m puzzled about what future life would be, in eternity. Jesus said we´re not going to marry, we´re going to be like angels (Mark 12:25), so I have no idea what I would do there, except than traveling, discovering and worshiping the Almighty One.

Who knows if my detaching process has anything to do with it, though I´m not as detached as I think or say I am. I do like many earthly things I´m trying to wave goodbye, to renounce by denouncing each of those I said.

Probably I have more than one cable wrongly wired.

What kind of live would that be, in heavens?

What kind of love will that be, when I know how to express or feel it? What´s the difference if it´s felt with the mind (or its spirit) and those sensations lacked a body to convey them in?

I´m puzzled!

Last night I shared the sad experience I have when my mom attacked my dad with a knife, when I was little child, although I never saw his abuses and, however, on December 2013 my mom told me he was also an abuser and she told me the story where he tried to rape her (he probably did it) and she bit his tongue to escape (so she was acting in self defense) any time, she wanted to get rid of his abuse, his cheating and, as she said (and I don´t know my dad´s version) he also lived at her detriment, for some time, when she sent money for her two children and he used it to gratify himself, not taking care of their two children (I thing I don´t totally believed it, because I have written evidence he cared for us) (and by reading his letters with my grandmother´s, he also said he gave her some money to take care of a new baby she got from another man she encountered). Dudes! However, at her age, there´s no need to lie, and he could have lied to my siblings.

Any of them cheated on or hurt the other! Both were guilty -and responsible- for their wrong doings.

What would that be in the realm of eternity? No tricks, no pains and no hurtful memories.

People here tried the best possible answers to cope with, to understand each people we have liked (or wanted) but, what eternity could be without those drives, love bonds and the things we knew we cling to?

I´m puzzled!

Those eyes we liked, those smiles we felt. Those arms we´ve missed, those hugs we gave and received... Where are they going to be? Warm kisses, sweet words and those promises and desires… All of them gone?

I need to die to be born, anew.

Today, this very morning I knew another thing about me: Why am I drawn to women in troubles? Those I see without worries are out my concern or attention. Those I see married I left alone and, those who shared their needs with mine, those likes acknowledged -with similar interests- were sought and I wasn´t aware of, as unintended these were. How could I know who I am in the future?

Those I saw big for me, full featured, I ignored.

Those I saw too showy, too sexy or eager to be seen, I passed by.

Who am I to be in a new “world” order, if allowed to live a second life?

No doubt jewelry was used to draw people´s eyes and attention. Sometimes clothing was used for the same reason, though it was used to hide what they wanted to hide or protect, sometimes. Fashion served to make people looked different, somewhat desirable, different for themselves, somewhat interesting and seldom naive.

The more any person had, the more she / he showed.

What an angel could do to be seen or liked? Known or desired? (Rev. 19:10, 22:9)

You could be the person you are (or aren´t) on demand. You could guess how you are by hearing people´s opinions, because we´re not good enough at looking at those mirrors we heard or saw, we only see what we want to see and, of course, outsiders are less subjective than we do (sometimes).

As an example, recently I found a school report when I was a child and one of my teachers wrote: He likes to work alone... True! When I was asked to work in teams I didn´t know who to choose and that same handicapped disadvantage was for everyone else and, when picking someone out of groups, we all liked those who were known as good students, with good grades. Have you experienced the same?

We chose the “best”, those we thought were suitable, trustworthy, and the same standard was used to pick the persons we wanted to love, to share part of our life.

Being honest, we were not the best student in school groups. Sometimes we were lazy, we´d liked our comfort zone, and some were doing more than us (of course, sometimes we were better workers) but the next question is: Why we failed when choosing mates to love?

I never planed a family. I never wanted children and, as far as I can remember, I wasn´t interested in rearing any, until the moment Joshua came into my life, with my ex-wife... I was so body-centered, as hedonist as I was.

I´m puzzled.

What earthly life was meant for? I never knew who was the best mate for me and, of course, I didn´t know how to discourage those who saw something good in me (Yes! Sometimes we had things others liked or desired).

As a project, some people came in to help us grow and, while backsliding, we helped others to develop new abilities, their character, etc. What eternity would be if I tend to be alone? Just around the company of those few I liked or enjoyed.

Perhaps it is useless I´ve planned to write about the profile of those peoples I have liked -or shared with.

I wasn´t the type around those ones who liked to lead, because I disliked to be led. I wasn´t friend with those I felt they tried to use me, though I gave several of them the chance to take as much as they could... I think it´d be nice to make that profile chart to know me better, to know some of those I haven´t considered while I was associated with them. Perhaps that was the reason why I couldn´t stay too long in the Scouts or several churches: When I felt I was led, I fled! And run.

I must admit I sometimes wanted to belong. I desired to be part of something bigger than me and, as far as I can remember, being a scout was one of those dreams. I couln´t do it while I was a child but, when being a teen, I only volunteered into two groups and, the one I enjoyed more it was far from my house and its leader was one of my close friends and, his leadership was “democratic”, shared by other´s opinions too but, when I moved to the one I had near home, there was a hierarchical line I didn´t wanted, I was often criticized, although I was nominatively friend of the family ruling that business... Was it the reason I, with several others, decided to make our own group as rovers, to scout?

Several parents disagreed. Some of them regretted that division and, each of us had a personal reason: We wanted to scout and they often wanted us to be in their pen doing nothing but lines and knots, solely what they wanted (Yes! And at each meeting they wanted the money they asked, thinking they deserve it).

Nino and Ramphis Molina, Alberto Gómez, me and several others names (I forgot) agreed on a new scouting group. We designed the uniform for “Konied” and it wasn´t theirs... It was ours! (Prov. 15:22)

While I was with them, they often said: “Your´re not allowed using that uniform outside our meetings.” I often said: “Why? I bought it with my own money... Who are you to tell me what to do?”. So I wore it as long as I could...

I enjoyed those days. I was part of something, I belonged to what I belonged and each person there was free to say and do, and we were friends, although I forgot their names -and probably not all their faces- but those moments we enjoyed and the things we did remained.

What life would be in eternity?

Do we have to be the same?

Do we have to look like they want us to be?

What´s that about being an individual?

Some church people say: “If you are not like us, your´re not going to be saved”. Some even dared to cry out loud -publicly- giving God orders, as if they knew -better- the things asked to God (so that is where I´m going to flee, hide and run).

“If you do not think like us, your´re not saved”, they said. And I know these ones are quite wrong: There´s no freedom of choice, just a few looked to be self-willed. And I want my free will, because it was given to give it up to the One who loved me more than no one else: God!

But, as long as I think of those things I´m thoughtful “reasoning”, while I try to write about those things typified as “profiles”, pondering those voices I have heard, those faces I´ve looked at -and why- I cannot grasp what life would be in eternity.

How would I know I am me or those I would meet, just in case I´d be allowed to live a second time?

Who knows! I´m puzzled. Although I´m not another cliché...

 A.T.